Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize