The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
