Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
