I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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