Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Everything about him screamed your future.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Is it penis luge time yet?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
