Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
