his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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