My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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