I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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