I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
