i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
