Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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