who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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