If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
