I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
