You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
