hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
