My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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