I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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