I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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