i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It's official drugs can't kill me
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
