yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
