My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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