i think my tv is drunk
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
