Umm I'm too high to move.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
