How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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