Please, let me fuck your mom
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Drunk is not a location!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
