Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
