I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You dont lie about slip and slides
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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