She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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