Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
