Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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