planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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