I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
