My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
