I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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