Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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