so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
