Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
