meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
