My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
