Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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