i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
wow bdsm is so cute
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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