There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
