Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
PANTIES FOUND
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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