Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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