You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
