I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize