I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
