Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
