I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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