Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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