During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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