is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You're like the curious george of whores
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
