Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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