We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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