i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
