FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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