I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
