Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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