remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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